Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
