Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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