Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
