Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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