Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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