mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
