I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
