Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
