I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
