i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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