just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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