Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i would punch a child for taco bell
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
