i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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