Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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