My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
