i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
