and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize