Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
