dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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