my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
