dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
