I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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