It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
