Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
