i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
