im six kinds of drunk right now
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
