maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize