Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
