I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Randomize
