I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
