haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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