i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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