Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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