Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
