She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
