the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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