I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
40s are totally the cure
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
