I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
