It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
