Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
