I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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