My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
