you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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