Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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