If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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