I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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