I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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