I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
