Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
