you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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