So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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