The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
