I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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