please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
