plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
